 | Oh my God! I love Paris! Have you ever been to Paris? I wish I could die in Paris! |
| Actually, I almost did die in Paris. |  |
| Holy crap! Really? You almost died? Tell me all about it! |
| It was a couple years ago. I was visiting Paris with my girlfriend. One night, I couldn’t sleep, so I decided to take a walk. |
| Where did you walk? |
| Our hotel was on the Left Bank, so at first I stayed along Boulevard Saint-Germain. |
| Oh, I love that area. I had the best crème brulee there once. What was the name of that café? Let me see. Oh, it’s so hard, there are so many wonderful cafes in Paris. I do know it was close to that university, what’s it called? Sorbonne, I think. Anyway, there was this little French café … of course it was French. It was in France, after all. Hahahahahaha! Anyway, there was this café that served the most amazing crème brulee. Have you ever had crème brulee? You haven't had crème brulee until you’ve had it in Paris. |
| I've had crème brulee many times. |
| But have you had it in Paris? |
| I had it on that same visit. The one where I almost got killed. |
| Oh yes, you were telling me about your brush with death. Was it exciting? |
| No. It was terrifying. |
| You know what's really terrifying? One time, I was on this plane and we were coming into Las Vegas, and it was one of those summers where the heat just rises right up off the desert floor. You ever try to land in a desert city when it’s that hot? Let me tell you, it’s terrifying. You come in, and the heat sort of hits the wings or something, and on this particular instance, the plane sort of jolted. You know what I mean? It just shook. Like we were in a truck going over gravel. It was terrifying. So tell me about your terrifying experience. |
| Well, I was walking through Paris late at night. That was my first mistake. My second mistake was wandering off of Boulevard Saint-Germain to explore. |
| What street did you take? |
| Rue Dante. |
| Where is that? Is it anywhere close to Jeff de Bruges? Have you ever been to Jeff de Bruges? It's this most amazing chocolatier on Boulevard Saint-Germain. They have this amazing truffles, they’re cooked in … I don't know what they’re cooked in but they’re lightly dusted in powdered cocoa. Just amazing, mmm, my mouth is watering just thinking about it. |
| I don't know if I was anywhere near Jeff de Bruges. All I know is that I wandered off on Rue Dante, and that’s when they stopped me. |
| Who stopped you? |
| These big men in heavy coats. There were three of them. |
| Oh my God. We’re they gang kids or something? |
| I don't know what gang kids look like in Paris. They were just big guys. I couldn’t see their faces. But they grabbed me and slammed me against the metal door of this curio store. |
| Metal door? |
| You know, it’s like a security door that businesses pull down at night, a metal partition like a garage door. These men just grabbed me out of nowhere, and they slammed me against the door. I still feel pain where my spine it the corrugated metal. And the smallest of the men … he pulled out this great big knife. I could see the moonlight shining off of the blade ... |
| Oh my God. I bet that was awful. I mean, if that metal door you’re talking about, if it’s anything like the garage door at my parents’ house. One time, when I was a kid, I was riding my bike and not paying attention, and I rode full speed at our driveway, and I was going to just zip into the garage, so I was going really fast, and my dad didn’t know I was coming, and he was inside the house and he reached out to flip the switch to close the automatic garage door, and it came down just as I got there, and I clipped my forehead on the lower edge of the door. It hurt like crazy! Did it feel anything like that? |
| Did what feel anything like that? |
| When they slammed you against the door. Did it hurt like it did when I hit my head on that garage door? |
| I don't know. I just remember pain in my back. And I saw the knife in the guy’s hand. And when they slammed into the door it made this big loud banging sound like thunder-- |  |
 | Oh my God, I hate thunder. Whenever there’s a thunderstorm, I’m like a puppy, I just want to hide under the bed. I hate thunder. I sometimes sit on the floor against the wall and put my hands over my ears. It’s the worst ... |
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